A Scootch Too Good

I was surprised when I heard her voice pipe up from the back seat. She usually likes to sit quietly and watch the scenery pass by while we drive. She’s just like Kev and me – we once drove nearly three hours without talking, just content to be in the car with each other.

So when she spoke up, I listened.

And when I heard her words, I nodded my head and pressed my lips together to keep the tears from spilling out.

“Mama, I think life is just a scootch too good, sometimes. It’s hard when I’m having so much fun and then it’s over and I just want to keep having that great time again and again.”

Yeah, baby girl. I know.

I miss that scootch so much. That little bit of extra that made everything about life pretty wonderful. I miss the bad puns and the never-ending Bubba joke and the constant pausing of the TiVo so he could quiz me about where we’d seen a particular actor before. I miss the wearied kiss on my forehead after I knelt by the bedside and unhooked his infusion pump as carefully as I could. I miss the pat on my hip each night as he drifted to sleep, needing to make sure I was there in bed beside him. I miss his nose comically sniffing the air with goofy anticipation as garlic and tomato wafted through the house and deep dish pizza bubbled in the oven. I miss his silly voices reading Sandra Boynton books to the Bear each night when “all the hippos go BESERK!” I miss scrambling to the car, racing to chemo and the whole time he’s shrugging his shoulders and laughing, “They can’t start without me, Baby Doll.” I miss tangling our feet together on the recliner’s footrest in the chemo room, the drip-drip-drip of the drugs keeping time with our hearts: “I love you, I love you, I love you.”

Life with Kevin – even life with cancer, because at least he was still here with me – it was just a scootch too good. I waited thirty-two years for that life, and he did, too, and we crammed as much love and happy and fun into ten years as we possibly could.

It was good.

A scootch too good.

She’s right, I think, as I make the left turn and head toward home, my face wet with memories.

It’s hard when life is everything you ever wanted. And you want it to go on and on and on. Forever.

But then it’s over.

And what’s left in my life is still good, and I’ve got my girl bringing me joy and her quirky insightful wisdom to prove it, but…it’s a scootch less than what I had.

I miss him so much.

3 responses to “A Scootch Too Good

  1. uh huh. I can feel your words. Thanks for sharing your heart.

  2. Christyn, I love reading all your blogs but, it’s scarey how similar Kevin and Jason are! When I read the words Sandra Boynton I grinned. When I got to Hippos go Berserk I lost it as that is Jason’s favorite book from before S was born to this day! That is their little book treasure. 💙💜💚💛

    • I guess we know now why the girls share so many similarities?? I know people who turn up their noses at Sandra Boynton, and I just think, “You must not be reading it right, because those books are hilarious!” Having a special book is such a great connection for a parent and child; it will always be there and bring the best memories. I’ve often thought over the last few months, hanging out with you guys, how much Jason reminds me of Kevin. It’s kind of nice; there should be more gentle men with great bear hugs in this world. Thanks for taking care of us!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s